Bite Me, Fuzzy

I’ve done it.

Seriously, I think I’ve finally cracked the code. I now know how to become a popular, rich, sought-after and imitated published author quicker than you can say, “Bite me, Fuzzy.”

It involves four crucial ingredients:

1. A pretty, but none-too-bright heroine, age 16-19.

2. A darkly-attractive and “gosh-what-gorgeous-eyes-you-might-even-forget-the-blood-in-his-teeth” vampire.

3. A hot-tempered werewolf, equally hot but somehow not quite as amazing as the vampire.

4. And angst. Drama. We-must-save-the-worldness out the wazoo.

You think I’m joking, don’t you. You think I’m just mocking Twilight and its cousins again. Well think again! I’m serious!

Read this synopsis of #9 on the Writer’s Digest’s “10 Notable Debuts” list:

Blood on the Moon; by Jennifer Knight:

“An 18-year-old girl gets caught in the middle of a century-long feud between a werewolf and his vampire best friend.”

See?!?!?!? I told you!! I’m not joking! It’s the key to everything—this stuff is absolutely fool-proof! (Or perhaps proof of fools…hmm.)

Anyone, and I mean anyone can do this. Think yourself up an appropriately misunderstanding-driven plot, drop in your ready-made stock characters as listed above, stir and sprinkle in just a hint of super-deep-sounding symbolism, and serve raw.

Voila! Publishers snatch it up! Readers devour the stuff! It’s like you can’t mess it up!

Here’s mine: (Clears throat)

“Announcing the next best-selling paranormal romance from breakout author L.N. Weldon!

Bite Me, Fuzzy is an exciting new drama of a small-town girl suddenly thrust into a world she struggles to understand. On one side of the epic battle are the GlimmerBloods: the super-intelligent vampire society—and its fascinating prince—who seems willing to protect her. On the other, the FuzzBloods, a manic, hybrid werewolf-vampire clan led by a sad-eyed man with too many secrets. Who is good? Who is evil? And who will survive?

Coming soon to a bookstore near you!”

You think it’ll fly? I’m pretty excited about it. Since I don’t have to worry about actual quality, I figure I can shake up a first draft by dinner time tomorrow and have it ready to send off to the publisher by the weekend. A month from now, it’ll hit the shelves, and a week after that I expect to hear from Studio X offering me a six-movie deal. I’m already thinking about who I might suggest for the cat, and the theme music from the soundtrack is beginning to hum itself through my head.

Yup, there’s no doubt about it, friends. By this time next year, I’ll be making my debut on Leno and Good Morning America! It’s too big to fail, too strong to sink, too perfect to flop.

Watch for me at the top, guys—and roll out that red carpet!!

Yours, very tongue-in-cheek,

~Trav